The Blubber

The identity of the individual responsible for bringing cocaine into the White House remains a mystery, as the Secret Service investigation has concluded without any conclusive evidence, according to three officials familiar with the matter.

Earlier this month, a small plastic bag containing a powdered substance was discovered in a storage cubby at the White House. The substance underwent thorough testing and examination at two federal laboratories. However, no viable fingerprints or DNA evidence were found, rendering them unusable in identifying the culprit, as stated by the officials.

The Secret Service received the test results from the FBI on Wednesday, which indicated a lack of latent fingerprints and insufficient DNA for investigative comparisons. In addition, the agency reviewed security camera footage but found no leads to pursue.

Due to the absence of such physical evidence, the investigation has reached a dead end. Secret Service officials reluctantly acknowledged that it would be impossible to identify a person of interest among the numerous individuals who passed through the vestibule where the cocaine was discovered.

According to a source familiar with the investigation, the prevailing theory is that the substance belonged to one of the many visitors who entered the building during the weekend.